I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
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[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I saw this ending much differently.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy