@KalvinMacleod: Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
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@RandiLawson: I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
@_SingleBabyMama: "I don't have that many gray hairs. I'll just pluck them out." aaaaand....now I'm bald.
@TheBoydP: Wife: Where'd you buy my gift? Me: Bed Bath & Beyond Wife: You used a coupon right? Me: Coupon? *wife faints*