@KalvinMacleod: Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
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@iRowlf: Lowe's banned me for yelling "From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!", as I explained how much carpet I needed.
@Eye_Of_Madara: I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
@xLiserx: I sexually identify as a microwave dinner because I’m ready in 5 minutes but don’t look anything like my photos.
@Coolisiana: (Ad for a baby) • gently used • can't even kill you • doesn't shed • poops on a learning curve • goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years