Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
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On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.