Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
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When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Hard not to take this personally
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.