Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.