Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
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I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Feels
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct