Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
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Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
was Jim off killing horses or…
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.