[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
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Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
a god among men
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.