[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
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HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Me buying fruit and veg
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.