Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
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The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Botany good plants lately?
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
just make the entire table out of coaster