@AndyAsAdjective: Baby, tonight let's put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
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@Coolisiana: "Alright they've left for vacation lets rob em" Oh shoot their porch lights are on "So what we literally watched them leave" Rules are rules
@dave_cactus: ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf. HER: *giggling* So, my place or... ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers* HER: WHAT THE
@JohnMayer: Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?