@AndyAsAdjective: Baby, tonight let's put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
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@zachreinert03: Did you guys know on average 3 confused cannibals get punched in the face a year because they say yes to wanting a knuckle sandwich
@omgthatspunny: My girlfriend always gets her way by pretending she's sad. She's an expert in sighcology.
@rebrafsim: Sensei: you have learned much, my child Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
@mamamia6212: My 2 yo is currently having the biggest tantrum I've ever seen! He's mad I will not let him open & eat the box of candy* he found. *tampons