Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
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Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Barbie gone wild
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids