BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
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The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
My beach vacation Google searches
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!