[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
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They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
This chloroform smells expensiv…
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.