Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
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I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich