@Smethanie: Baby, you're a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
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@NYC_Blonde: Are babies like tamagotchis? Like, will my friend take care of it if I forget it at her house?
@hannalee_slc: I just googled "jokes to tell right before you die" and if that doesn't tell you what kind of person I am, I don't know what does.
@bigmacher: #IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don't have money to pay them.
@Amusitr0n: [clenching fists] "I'll fight someone" Waiter: For the last time sir, 'cheese plate' describes the items on the plate not the plate itself