Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
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My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.