Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
You Might Also Like
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?