Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
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Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted