just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
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If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan