[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
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Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Welcome to the stomach
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog