[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
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Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them