[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
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God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
u spoke cat all this time??????
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
😂🤣😂🤣
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.