ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
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Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.