6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
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Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.