[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
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[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
awkward
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”