[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
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My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
termite twitter scares me
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.