[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
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Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.