Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
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Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them