[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
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Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-