Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
You Might Also Like
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.