Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
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Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.