[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
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When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.