[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
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This is why I don’t delete Facebook
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
No. He’s not coming out to play
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?