@redherringbear: Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
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@AnkCoupleTO: *skydiving* Jumper: Where's your parachute? Married Guy: Don't need one J: There's no chance of survival MG: Not trying to beat the odds
@scenesfromahat: As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
@funnyoneliners: I want my children to be independent headstrong people. Just not while I'm raising them.
@Crunk_Jews: Dear Autocorrect, She's an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I'm never getting laid.