Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
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I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
the saddest jazz hands ever
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair