@215potter: Back in my day a "selfie," was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
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@HousewifeOfHell: Kids' complaints on vacation: - No wifi on beach - Sand is sandy - Ocean has salt in it - Lobsters? I want pizza. - Too outdoorsy outside
@chimneyspotter: WAITER: How is everything? ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning W: I meant your meal M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
@aRealLiveGhost: to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
@KenJennings: Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don't take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.