@215potter: Back in my day a "selfie," was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
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@thedad: [wakes up to crying in the night] Wife: can you go check the baby Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
@TheToddWilliams: WAITER: Would you like some more bread? SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
@MrWordsWorth: Sarah Palin isn't racist. Some of her white friends' best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
@MissNaughty1801: Him:I'm not going to use this taxi company again. They nearly killed me this morning Me:don't be so hasty darling...give them another chance