Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
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NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
My patronus is a cheeseburger
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.