Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
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My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.