Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
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it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Jurassic park gets weird
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.