Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
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People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I identify as an antique shop.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard