Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
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The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
when dads have a rap battle
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.