Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
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After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
#SaturdayBears
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?