Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
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Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Your secret is safeish with me
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Is this you?
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.