@AndyRichter: Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
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@hippieswordfish: [police chase] FRIEND: ditch the stolen stuff ME: are u sure F: just do it M: *throws out stolen anchor and car comes to a screeching halt*
@Boo_berries_: Kidnapper: Pay up or I'll leak your nudes Me: So what? K: Then I'll tweet your drafts M: Ok don't do anything crazy we can work this out
@JohnHilsen: Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a "corn maze" and not a "maize maze."
@gruffybeard: 911: What's your emergency? Me: I'm scared. I *gasp* can't *gasp* breathe *gasp* again! 911: Sir, for the last time, unbutton your pants.