BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
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[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
your honor my client chooses dare
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.