Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
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to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!