@samalmightysam: Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
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@drayzze: I wish I had a bear so I could take him hiking and camping So if we ran into other bears, he'd be like "It's cool, man, he's with me."
@doctorveritas: "I've got chills. They're multiplying." "Sir, you're going into shock. Please stop narrating--" "And I'm losing control." "Sir!"
@Midgetspar: I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven't played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I'm Michael Jordan.
@robfee: The best thing to do on New Years Eve is set the microwave timer with the countdown so the first thing that happens that year is Pizza Rolls