Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
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My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Tell the colonel to bring it
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.