Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
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If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro