Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
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I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
What if the weather talks about us?
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
A double negative is a big no-no.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.