[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
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After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Bill is short for Billiam
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.