Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
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him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
are they though??
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.