Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
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her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Don’t tell me what to do
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.